Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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