She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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