i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
