yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
