Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
