a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
