he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
