I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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