sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
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I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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