3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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