I saw his package. It spoke to me.
if only i could text you this smell
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
and you fell through a lawn chair
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
