i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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