I have demons in me.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
