I must be too annoying 4 u.
I wish I could teleport
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
