So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
