in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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