I'm gonna have a badass scar
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
