she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
