Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
