Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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