Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
