Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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