just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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