If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
