Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
