he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
