I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
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Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
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You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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