end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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