Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I AM VODKA MAN
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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