my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
