Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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