i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
