I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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