I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
