just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
