Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
