my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
