If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
