then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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