i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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