everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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