The maid of honor just puked.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
