pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
