I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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