So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
