you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
