I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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