Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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