Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
