That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
