What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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