i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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