I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
only you would photoshop your dick
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
