You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
