she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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