It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
