Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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