i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
