I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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